A spiritual theme that bubbled up front and center for me following the worst days of the covid-19 pandemic was disappointment. While locked in place at home for long months, I fantasized images of so-called "normal" life. I fondly recalled my favorite Indian restaurant as having the most delicious food in town. My congregation was visualized as uniformly smiling, encouraging, and friendly. Worship was always vital and nurturing. My friends and some family members were lovely and never jerks. Guess what? It took only several months of "normal" post-pandemic life to discover that the food and service at my Indian restaurant deserved a rating of just five out of ten stars. Many in my church neither smiled nor even acknowledged that I was there. Some persons I was close to did act like jerks. In other words, life after covid was what it was before: uneven, flawed, and imperfect. And what about me? I found that I was disappointed with myself. Deprived of day-to-day human contact for more than a year, I had a short fuse for others' bad behavior or perceived slights. I emerged from the pandemic not more loving and caring but judgemental. Yet, this isn't the person I yearn to be. Disappointments can cause people to sever foundational relationships with persons and institutions. In spiritual direction sessions, I witness the painful unloading of disappointment. There are everyday daily disappointments. Most more or less healthy persons balance these out with satisfaction and positive experiences. But some people are worried that no matter what, they will always be disappointed by whatever they have been allotted in life. In my experience, two basic things can be done to mitigate disappointment. First, intentional gratitude practices may help frame daily life with positive acts of kindness and caring. Before I go to bed, I like to conduct a gratitude awareness exercise in which I name the many things, persons, or actions I experienced over the past twenty-four hours that were kind and helpful. Usually, I am astounded at how many of these acts I have experienced. Some persons keep a gratitude journal in which they keep a record of their thankfulness for what crosses their way. It is possible to be grateful for even difficult moments or events because they challenge us to grow. Second, I discern where I have expected or required too much from other persons, institutions, or situations. Of course, it is okay to have high standards. But high standards often set the stage for disappointment and disillusion when things turn out differently than I think they should. So, I consider my reactions to others: Am I unreasonably asking more of them than they can deliver? The spiritual direction platform is a beautiful space to talk about disappointments. Disappointments that are not articulated and attended to may, over time, fester into damaging and harmful resentments and life-long points of bitterness. It is essential to talk about disappointments that seem to have a hold on me, disappointments that I just can't let go. As I write these words, 2023 is still a very fresh year. My intention during 2023 is to work on how I handle disappointment.
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March 2023
AuthorDan Hoffman is an Indianapolis USA based spiritual director, supervisor of spiritual directors, and workshop/retreat leader. This occasional blog discusses things he is thinking about and wants to share. Comments are always welcome. |